The beginning of 2020 it felt like it was gonna be the best year!
(lol)
Obviously things didn’t turn out to be that great. But half way through I was going okay with it. Even after my best friend had to cancel her flights over and I had to postpone our engagement party. Things were still okay, I finally had more control over my time, I finally felt I wasn’t overwhelmed with full weekends and a crazy social life. I was going okay even when the rest of the world seemed to be having the worst year of their lives.
September we got to celebrate our engagement, not quite our original plan but things were finally looking up.
Until October.
I fucking hated October 2020.
We were in a car accident after the most incredible day. we’d spent the day driving up the coast, talking deeply, walking around a river and we’d just bought dinner when we were heading back to the coast to watch the sunset and an idiot decided he forgot how to drive and hit straight into us.
Our beautiful day, the perfect ending taken away. My favourite car, written off. That car had been with me through so much. It was so important to me. And just like that, I no longer had her. On top of the sentimental loss, it was a huge financial hit.
And then my boy, my best friend since childhood, my first dog, the one who made me realise I actually wasn’t a cat person after all. My Charlie Brown. 15 years strong, and we had to say our goodbyes. He’d had such a strong run, But that one weekend in October was a hard one for him, and we knew. He’d lost a lot of weight due to diabetes and his hip displasia was the worst we’d seen. He told us he was ready, I curled up on the kitchen floor and held him while I cried, we knew it was time. My best friend, who was literally the reason I made it past 15, was gone.
But even with October ending I was still doing okay. I threw myself into work, I focussed all my time on helping Tanika through her grief and keeping it all together, pushing my own aside. That was my first mistake.
Eventually people stop asking you how you are, even before you’ve allowed the grief to hit. The truth is, I wasn’t okay. I was for a time, when I was ignoring it and not allowing myself to feel it. until I let it all actually sink in. I’ve grieved before, but this was different. If I have any advice for young people, if you have the opportunity to show yourself as the “strong” one. Don't. Because on the days you struggle and want to reach out, you’ll feel trapped in that identity. “I can’t be struggling, because that would mean I’m not strong”, but that’s not true. You can be strong and still cry, you can be strong and still break. Seasons change, and that’s okay. It’s how we grow. The most important thing at the end of the day is that you stay true to yourself, no matter what state you’re in.
That’s where November comes in. November flew by and the Christmas rush began. Right around the time the migraines started. My body, screaming at me to stop, to slow down, to heal. But that’s the thing, Christmas stops for no one. Even with my body feeling like it’s shutting down, I could only take a couple days off before the pressure on the people I work for would be too much and the guilt would set in. Not from anyone else, it’s my own pressure and guilt that I bring on myself. But still I couldn’t afford to have more time off. Christmas is coming up. I just have to power through.
But that’s the thing about pushing yourself. Sometimes you find rewards, sometimes you break. My mental health has gone so far downhill since December started. The emotion of the grief. Grieving my car, as dumb as that sounds. Grieving my Best friend, grieving everything else lost this year. My body literally screaming at me to stop when I can’t, lack of sleep, lack of time to focus on my usual health routines. And suddenly I’m reminded of how shitty bad mental health can be and how much of a black hole it can feel like.
Where’s the light at the end of the tunnel?
I love Christmas time, always have! But this year I just can’t wait for it to be here, so I can breathe, I can rest, I can grieve, heal, and start again. My body, my mind, my soul and my spirit need rest.
2020 you did it, you broke me. But I won’t stay broken. I made it out of much worse than this before, I’ll make it out again. Better. Stronger. More power. No matter how long it takes.
If 2020 broke you, and you’re still picking yourself back up again. Just know, I am too. A lot of us are. Let’s walk this next season together.
Resiliency.
I was always confused by the meaning of Resilience when I was younger, no one ever taught me the word but suddenly I heard it used.
Now, after surviving 2020, I think that’s exactly what 2020 has taught us all. Resiliency.
Love,
Liz x