I'll be honest I don't know how to start this blog, I've had the majority of it written in note pads or on my mind for years now. But despite it not being written down yet, I believe the time has come for these words to be typed. So bare with me as I sit in a random cafe tonight, with my gin and figure out how to explain a lot of things that I've been keeping back.
I've always known that I would eventually speak out about this topic, which is why my notepads have many versions of this written down. However, I wanted to speak about it in the right way because everyone experiences things differently. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, so I want to start off with saying, I am in no way against the church. Church was something I did truly need at certain points in my life. It really has been a love/hate relationship. It was an integral part of my childhood teaching me morals that I believe are truly important to who I am today. When I was 19, church helped me find friends in my move to the big city, and when I truly needed a year to focus on me, again, another church in another city was where I found a community that welcomed me with open arms.
This isn't your typical "hurt by the church" story. Or maybe it is? What does it truly matter. Being hurt by a community isn't a laughing matter and I believe it isn't taken seriously enough. These patterns need to be noticed and need to be fixed. But maybe that's a conversation for another day.
To anyone who knows me, you'll know I grew up in the church. I truly loved my childhood, it was filled with a beautiful community, our church went out into the town often, and I was allowed to ask questions. This is something that as I got older and experienced different churches, I learnt that there comes a time where questions aren't answered, and often, no longer encouraged. But I believe we were created with curiosity and wonder for a reason.
I've been asked "why?" A LOT since I stopped attending church regularly. The problem is, these people seem innocent enough, but the question they are asking just in passing in the middle of Woolworths, isn't a quick comment answer. I'd always be happy to sit and chat with people about my why, but the question is never left opened to allow for that much time. The true problem is that even if I do have the time to explain, the response is almost always, "But my church is lovely, you should come! Sunday 10am!". And that's when I know that not a single word I said was heard. Because no one really wants to know why you don't attend, they just want you to know that theirs is 'different'.
I'm not here to tell you specifics of my 'why'. (I'm okay with catching up for coffee and chatting if you'd really like to know). But my whole story isn't just mine to tell, so what I mention here is all I really can at this point in time. I'd also like to mention that although my experience did revolve around one particular church, I won't name names and I won't bag them out. I'm sure they know who they are, and I'm not here to drag names through the dirt. I do believe that people and places can change, and I hope for the best for all involved.
The people I wanted to share this for:
1. those who continually ask and don't listen or allow time.
2. those of you who don't feel comfortable or safe in church. (I want you to know that it's okay for you to leave. Don't allow others to make you feel pressured to stay. Your faith, your spirituality; is exactly that. YOURS. Trust the path you're on. Even if you just need to walk away for a season.)
The bible talks about the church being where two or more are gathered, and I truly believe that. Since I stopped attending church I've found my faith and spirituality strengthened in so many ways, just through real conversation with people who aren't afraid to ask questions and show their depths. Me no longer attending church says nothing about my faith.
I should probably get to the point at some point in this blog hey? the main one anyway. So here it is, I personally do not attend church anymore simply because I no longer felt safe amongst that community. I was attending a church in Perth that had a lot of things happening behind the scenes, these things were reported by others and myself, yet it all continued to happen. The leaders didn't seem phased about taking control of the situation and many were getting hurt over and over. The choices of those leaders, left a lot of people in pain and silenced.
Again, I want to mention that not all churches are like this, some are filled with beautiful people who truly care about their members. It's up to you to make your own decision. I'm talking on the rare situations because I got caught in that tornado, and I know I'm not the only one.
You see, the fact that I still get asked to this day bothers me, because in other situations it's been different. When I decided to drop out of school at the beginning of year 11 due to mental health issues, people understood that I was hurting and they allowed me to move onto the next stage in my life. They accepted that school was not a safe place for me and that I was better off in a new community with my new job and my Tafe course.
Another place I avoid is Mandurah. I will not even drive through Mandurah any more. The last time I intended on staying there was with my church group, I had a major anxiety attack and felt safer walking and catching the train home at midnight, alone, than I did staying there with what was supposed to be a safe group of people.
There's choices we make about places due to feeling unsafe. Sadly for myself and many others, church became that place for me. But what bothers me is, these other situations I've mentioned, people learnt to let it go, no one forces me to go to Mandurah when I say "I just don't go there". No one judged me for dropping out of school. But for some reason, 5 years on, I still get asked about and invited to church.
In fact there was a post awhile ago about a daughter that seems relevant here. Some may recall it as I did share it on my Facebook. She was sharing about how her mum always told her, that if she felt unsafe, no matter the place or time, to call her and she'd pick her up. I loved that, as its truly what I believe. But the amount of people who also shared it, who are the same people that ask me about church and make it known that they're unhappy I don't attend. The irony.
And to anyone reading this thinking I seem trapped because of these restrictions I have on where I can and can't go. Its not at all a matter of being trapped but rather finding my freedom away from chains. When I feel unsafe I often feel trapped. Through the years I've learnt what works and what doesn't, I feel like I have the opportunity to ask questions and learn and the chance to spread my wings where I feel called to be.
I know that one day with youth work I might work in or alongside schools, it'll take a few more things to work through before I get there again, but it's a process i'll be forever working on. And I'm open to those paths.
I also know that one day i'll be able to enjoy a day trip or a weekend away to Mandurah, but again, there's healing that needs to take place before that can happen.
And likewise with the church, I may or may not end up back in church full time, but no matter what happens, that's okay, it's my journey. (I actually did want to make a special mention to the beautiful Adelaide church that I attended for 7 months while I lived there. They were such an important part of my journey and I cannot thank them enough for showing me a safe space for me to heal in my time there.)
Church for me a lot of the time hasn't been about my faith at all, its been about the community. Embracing community that shares your beliefs is so important, and I truly believe that. When that community failed to keep safety and care as a priority, I needed to leave and find a new one. And in that, I have found my place, where I can doubt, ask questions and truly learn without boundaries.
I'm a big believer in asking questions, especially when it comes to our faith. We can't all trust what we were taught as kids for our whole lives, where's the room to grow in that? I believe to truly have faith is to learn and never stop learning. To find your own way, whether that does end up being the way your parents went or not. Its up to you to find your path and your beliefs amongst that.
I found my spirituality and faith when I left the boundaries of the church. I found my community outside, at the beach, on long drives, listening to music and podcasts, and drinking wine. My faith isn't in a building on Sundays. My faith follows me wherever I go.
Faith, no matter what you believe is an extremely personal journey. I don't doubt that we are all spiritual beings.
Whether you believe in God, the Universe or whatever!
Its your faith, your journey, trust that.
And know you're always welcome here.
final point.
If you feel unsafe; it's okay to leave.
Love,
Liz x
PS
If you'd like to chat further,
I'm more than happy to catch up for coffee,
But please, for the love of God, listen.
Don't invite me to your church at the end.