I started writing this as a caption on my instagram, only to realise I had written something far too long to just be a caption, this is something that I feel incredibly passionate about and felt it was important to share here. Because I feel a lot of us allow our past to strangle parts of our future, we allow our past to still hold control over certain areas. We truly deserve to find our true strength in our experiences, and fight for control back.
For me, this was a ten year journey, but I can tell you - it was so worth pushing through the failures to have now found my strength and joy. I took control back, and now I can experience my life without that fear. (Don't get me wrong, there's still other areas where I am working on this, but today I found a breakthrough in this one - and I'm here to celebrate that!)
It’s important to allow yourself the time you need to work through things before you face them again. Allow yourself to feel the emotional, to grow through them and find your strength again.
For many years, there was a place I never went to, an entire town that I had blacked out from my map, because that town wasn’t a safe space for me. It’s been around 10 years of this. Missing out on events and trips because of it.
7 years ago I made my first attempt, I was with a huge group of people so assumed I would feel safe and be able to push everything aside and just ignore it - only to have a panic attack and catch the midnight train home - because to me; that felt safer than staying. Which says a lot about the healing that needed to take place.
Last year, I tried again, Mark and I made a day of it, he knew it was going to potentially be scary for me, but with him by my side and the will to break this hurt we went. My safe space walking beside me, we made the trip, walked along the river and got dinner together, I was okay.
The next trip was with a friend for a beautiful AH event. I had wanted to go to one but was scared when she announced it was in this town, considering I had only been back once with Mark, I didn’t know how I’d go without him. But I mentioned it to a friend who also wanted to go, and she knew somewhat that it was a tough visit for me. We went and it was an amazing night, surrounded by beautiful inspiring women! It felt right.
My next trip down was with some of my close friends for an event. I had been down twice before now, but I still knew that these things take time, because each day is different and I wouldn’t know if this time would be one of those times. But again, I was okay. I had a beautiful day with my girls, celebrating and laughing together.
Today, I faced that trip alone for the first time in 10 years. I left home knowing that it could potentially be a hard day, but also knowing that I no longer wanted this place to hold power over me. I drove into the town and it was as if it was a new place to me. I had created new, happy memories with people who make me feel safe and cared for, I found new purpose in that town. That town is now a place I can visit and know I’m safe, and even if one day I try and it hits me again, I’ll know that it’s okay, because I’m still stronger than I was. I’m surrounded by beautiful people who know my battles and know how to love me.
I guess I wanted to share this journey because I want you to know that It’s totally okay to block things out for awhile, sometimes it’s needed. But don’t let those things continue to steal away the joy that you could be experiencing. Help yourself to heal, and find joy in those places again. Take control back, because you deserve to experience all the things life has to offer without a location or something else in your past getting in the way.
Find your strength, find your joy. Experience your life.
love,
liz x